Strength

We don't always have to be strong to be strong. Sometimes our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.

We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.

There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally we don't want to get out of our pajamas. Sometimes, we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.

Those days are okay. They are just okay.

Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to. We do not need to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.

The above excerpt is from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. I thought it was an appropriate topic for today. Today is the 3 year anniversary of my devastating fire where I lost everything, including my kitty Cosmo. Although my feelings aren't as strong today as they were 2 years ago when I literally fell apart at the one year anniversary, I still have strong feelings about February 23. It's a day that changed my life.

Much has changed in my life since that day. I have adopted another kitty to keep my survivor kitty CJ company. I have changed jobs, I have lost friends and gained new ones. I have fallen apart. I have picked myself back up.  I have found the strength to continue life even when life seems unbearable.

I still have nightmares from my 2 fires in 2012. In fact, I had one last night that woke me up. I wasn't sure I would want to get out of my pajamas today, much less go to work. I didn't want fear to paralyze me though so I got up, got dressed, drove to work and if not for the computers going down I might have had a productive day today. I could have let the computer issue bother me. Instead, I used the time to read blogs, catch up on facebook, review email... all from my smart phone. (What did we do before smart phones?) I may not be as strong as I want to be, but at least I am coping now rather than letting fear paralyze me any longer. The bravest thing I did was ask for help. The day I asked for help is a painful memory but because I was brave enough to ask for help, I am alive to create new memories.

Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track... 

If you or a loved one are struggling, there is help. Reach out to a friend, family member, significant other, teacher, coach, coworker... anyone you feel safe talking to. The bravest thing you can do is ask for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of being strong for too long. Help is available. You do not need to be suicidal to call the lifeline. The lifeline is there for anyone who is struggling.

ACT. Ask...Care...Take

The Kansas City Fire Department is starting a new program this month aimed at ending suicides within the fire department family. The program is called ACT. It stands for 'Ask, Care and Take'.

If you read my previous post titled Because One Suicide is One Too Many! or another post titled Suicide in Law Enforcement... What can be done to prevent it? then you know suicide is often not talked about in Fire/EMS/Law Enforcement. The often mentioned mantra is ‘We help others but never ourselves.’ That’s our culture. ‘ Don’t ask for help.’” It's time we change that! After losing one of their own recently to suicide as well as 3 others in the last 10 years, KCFD has decided it's time to step up and talk about suicide prevention. With help from Richard Gist, principle assistant to the fire chief and public health psychologist with KCFD, they have come up with the ACT program to help fire fighters who may be struggling.

The concept of the program is this: Ask what's going on with someone and if they are thinking about hurting themselves. Care is about showing a person that you care about them. Take stands for taking that person to a place where they can get help if you determine they need help.

Nico Cruz, a 23 year veteran of the KCFD took his life on July 27, 2014. His service was held on Saturday August 2, 2014. He is survived by four children. His oldest daughter, Catalina Cruz, said that she decided to speak out about her father's suicide in hopes of preventing other suicides. Her interview can be seen by clicking on the picture below and following the link.

I attended Nico's service. Having gone to high school with Nico and catching up periodically over the years I know what a big heart he had! He volunteered with MDA and BACA. He was passionate about protecting kids from child abuse. And personally, I will always remember that he took the time to call me after my fire 2 years ago to make sure I was okay and ask if I needed anything. In this day and age, who takes time to do that? Nico did! His death was a shock to so many of us who knew him. He did so much for others but was unable to ask for help for himself when he needed it. It's time to stand up and talk about mental health not only in the fire industry, EMS and Law Enforcement but to the public in general. I was so impressed with Nico's family during his service. Many times when suicide is the reason for someones death the family won't mention it. Not only did Nico's family mention it as cause of death but they took the opportunity to use his service as a forum to advocate suicide prevention. They asked everyone in attendance to reach out and speak to someone if they were hurting and needed help. Pamphlets about suicide prevention were available for anyone to pick up. I guarantee you, there was not a dry eye in the house! This was a family in pain that desperately wanted to reach out to others in hopes of preventing another family from going through similar pain. I admire the family for their courage during such a difficult time!

Catalina's message was this... "My message would be if you know anyone who is struggling with suicide, please talk with them and get some help!"

Cousin Desmond McIntyre, also a fire fighter with KCFD, explained that firefighters see things that you can never erase from your mind and deal with stresses and family and work that are incredibly difficult. He encouraged others to take the time to talk with people and find out how they're really doing and do it often. It's not clear what caused Nico to take his life. It is clear he was hurting.

If you suspect someone is hurting, reach out to them. Sometimes people are afraid to talk to family or friends regarding things they may be struggling with. If you know someone who is struggling but fear they may be afraid to talk, there are good resources you can point them to. One such resource is the Suicide Prevention Lifeline. 

If you call the Lifeline you can remain anonymous. They are there to listen and help! You do not have to be suicidal to call. Anyone who is hurting and needs to talk can call. They also have a chat line if you prefer. Having used this resource myself I can assure you, it is a great resource and you can remain anonymous! What I learned from my experience (I used the chat function) is that you really can remain anonymous and people really do want to help! The only time they will disclose your identity is if you are going to hurt yourself. I wasn't suicidal when I contacted the Lifeline, I just really needed to talk through something that I wasn't sure I could talk to my family or friends about. Thanks to having a positive experience with the Lifeline, I now see a therapist on a regular basis and that is a great help to me. Sometimes it's not easy to talk to family or friends and that's when talking to a professional can help. I had to wait until I was insured again before I could start working with a therapist but I am glad I did. She is a good resource for me and I feel safe talking to her about any issues including Nico's suicide. I know a lot of people are hurting after losing Nico in such a shocking way. If you are struggling with Nico's death or any other issue please reach out for help! 

IF YOU ARE IN CRISIS AND NEED IMMEDIATE HELP, 

please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). 

Seeking help is a sign of strength not of weakness. It is the first step in reestablishing control in your life. Always remember when there is life there is hope!

RIP Nico! You are loved and so very much missed! 

Because One Suicide is One Too Many!

A while ago I did a post about Suicide in Law Enforcement and what can be done about it. I wrote that post because one suicide is one too many! And because a friend had recently lost her husband (a deputy) to suicide. I am writing this post today because a friend, firefighter, father took his life yesterday. One suicide is one too many! People don't want to talk about mental health and it's time we changed that!

As with Law Enforcement, number of suicides in Fire and EMS is a statistic not kept. There are no exact state or national numbers on suicides of public safety responders because often the incidents are categorized only as sudden deaths. The Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance wants to change that! Jeff Dill, a counselor and firefighter for 25 years near Chicago was compelled to do so after hearing about so many firefighters taking their own lives. Jeff founded the nonprofit Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance in 2011. The group began a confidential reporting system on its website, www.ffbha.org. Slowly, firefighters from across the country began calling Dill to alert him to a firefighter suicide in their community. Dill followed up with calls to the fire chief in that fire department to validate the information. Dill says it's important to document all suicides not only to track them but to validate them.

The Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance works to educate fire officials nationwide about suicide awareness and prevention. To learn more about the Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance visit www.ffbha.org or on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/FirefighterBehavioralHealthAlliance.

What makes suicide so difficult to prevent is that it is not a condition or disorder, but rather an outcome that may result from the presence of many risk factors including: underlying conditions, individual dispositions, interpersonal dynamics, social interactions, and other factors. Firefighting exceeds most other occupations in frequency of occupational injury; moreover, death is a frequent feature in situations firefighters encounter in the normal course of their duty, and loss of one’s own life is an ever-present, and even culturally accepted occupational risk. These factors can compel firefighters to come to terms with their own mortality in ways that vary greatly from the general population, and as a consequence, the capability for suicide among firefighters may be further evolved, whether or not desire or ideation may be present.

Most people are aware of the physical demands that first response activities place on firefighters and EMS providers. But it is important to also realize the impact that fighting fires and responding to emergencies has on the mental well-being of emergency personnel. Firefighters, EMS providers and law enforcement face the risk of many behavioral health concerns such as anxiety, depression, burnout, post-traumatic stress disorder among others.

If you are a first responder taking care of your mental health is as important as managing your physical health. Here are some of the warning signs to look out for:

• Ideation/threatened or communicated
• Substance abuse/excessive or communicated
• Purposeless/no reason for living
• Anxiety, agitation, or insomnia
• Trapped
• Hopelessness
• Withdrawal from friends, family, society
• Anger (uncontrolled)/ rage/seeking revenge
• Recklessness/risky acts-unthinking
• Mood changes (dramatic)

Not sure if you or a coworker need help? Here is a self-screening for suicide for firefighters (and is relevant to all first responders): http://www.ffbha.org/Suicide_Questionnaire.html.

“We don’t talk about behavioral health in the fire service,” Dill said. “It’s that cultural brainwash of, ‘We help others but never ourselves.’ That’s our culture. ‘Don’t ask for help.’” It's time to make a change!

Here are some resources to consider if you or someone you know needs help:

Share the Load™ Program
National Volunteer Fire CouncilThis program provides, tools, resources, and information to help individual first responders and their families manage and overcome behavioral health issues as well as to help departments establish an effective behavioral health program.

Fire/EMS Helpline
National Volunteer Fire Council and American Addiction Centers
Firefighters and EMS personnel face many unique challenges that can have a significant impact on their behavioral health. To ensure these individuals and their families have access to the help they need, the NVFC teamed up with American Addiction Centers to create a free, confidential helpline available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. First responders and their families can call the helpline for assistance and non-judgmental support on any issues affecting their work or personal life, including but not limited to addiction, PTSD, stress, depression, relationship issues, critical incidents, and psychological issues.

Firefighter Life Safety Initiative 13 – Mental Health
National Fallen Firefighters Foundation
Initiative 13 of the National Fallen Firefighters Foundation’s Life Safety Initiatives focuses on the mental well being of firefighters and their families. The initiative asserts that firefighters, EMS personnel, and their families must have the resources and help available to deal with the various complications that their jobs can bring to their lives, especially issues regarding emotional and psychological stress. The new Firefighter Life Safety Initiative 13 web site contains important resources, training, and research, including the new model for exposure to potentially traumatic events and stress aid for fire and EMS personnel.

National Institute for Occupational Health and SafetyNIOSH is the federal agency responsible for conducting research and making recommendations for the prevention of work-related injury and illness. The Institute has released many resources for managing stress in the workplace, including:

• Stress at Work booklet
• Working With Stress video
• Stress Management in Work Place Settings Resources

Your Guide to Healthy Sleep
National Heart, Lung, and Blood InstituteThis booklet from NHLBI provides information about important sleep topics such as common sleep myths and practical tips for getting adequate sleep, coping with jet lag and nighttime shift work, and avoiding dangerous drowsy driving. It also includes information on sleep disorders, such as insomnia, sleep apnea, restless legs syndrome, narcolepsy, and some parasomnias.

Depression Section
Medline PlusMedline Plus is a service of the U.S. National Library of Medicine and the National Institutes of Health. The Depression Section of Medline Plus provides a compendium of resources, tools, and information about this mental health topic.

Emotional Health Center
Everyday Health MediaThis online resource center contains information and articles on mental health topics including anxiety, depression, and stress.

IF YOU ARE IN CRISIS AND NEED IMMEDIATE HELP, 

please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). 

Seeking help is a sign of strength not of weakness. It is the first step in reestablishing control in your life. Always remember when there is life there is hope!

RIP Nico! You will be dearly missed! #gonetoosoon

People are Resilient and Come Back from Tragedies But Not Everyone Heals on the Same Timeline

People are Resilient and Come Back from Tragedies But Not Everyone Heals on the Same Timeline.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the Boston Marathon Bombings and we heard some amazing stories about people being resilient and strong one year later. I even shared some of the photos on my blog because I thought it was inspirational to see how strong people can be! I think it's great to spread a positive mental health message through the media when we often times just hear the negative. However.... not everyone has healed. Some people are still suffering from the trauma of the Boston Marathon Bombings especially on the one year anniversary.

Anniversaries can be hard! I know first hand how hard anniversaries of a tragic event can be. Although I don't compare my fires to the Boston Marathon Bombings (how could I?), I do understand how unbearable the emotions of a tragic day can be. Human beings are resilient. No matter what the trauma, people have a tendency over time to bounce back and recover from trauma or tragedy. It is great to focus on the positive stories. But let's not forget about those that are still hurting! Because while human beings do have a tendency to bounce back, human beings can also be hurt in huge ways and for prolonged periods of time!

I can guarantee that there are people still hurting one year after the bombings. While media coverage one year later in an attempt to highlight the positive stories is great, it also brings back the memories and emotions from that difficult day. There are likely people who have struggled for the past year and find the one year anniversary to be a real challenge to get through. These people will likely cry, mourn and possibly struggle with symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). The hardest part about this is that people who are hurting may not talk about it, but they are out there. I read an article recently that referred to these people as the silent injuries of the Boston Marathon Bombings and that's probably pretty accurate. Many times when people are struggling with memories of a trauma they won't talk about it because it's too painful. These people include the injured but also very likely include people that may not have been physically injured in the bombings but they were injured nonetheless. They may have lost a loved one, feared for a loved one while trying to find them, witnessed the bombing first hand but were far enough out of harms way to not be physically injured. They may have been volunteers assigned to work in the finish line area, health care workers assigned to assist in the medical tent that day, paramedics caring for those that were injured, police officers trying to find those responsible for the evil event or spectators who witnessed the bombings and didn't hesitate to jump in and help the injured. Many people were affected by the tragic events on 4/15/13. Not everyone has healed. The healing process can take time...

It's okay not to be okay about the Boston Marathon Bombings. It's important to remember just because you don't fit the image of the smiling person on the news talking about how they have recovered from the tragedy doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It's okay to admit that you may have been injured by the events on 4/15/13. It's okay to admit that it has been hard. It's okay to admit that the one year anniversary is particularly hard. Everyone who has lived through a trauma understands on some level how you feel. Healing takes time. For some it takes longer than others. There is no timeline for healing.

Whether it's the Boston Marathon Bombings, the recent hate crime shootings in Johnson County, Kansas or some other unspeakable tragedy that has you hurting please know that you are not alone. If you need to talk, call a family member or friend. Reach out to someone. If you don't have someone to call (or are afraid to call someone you know) please call the number listed below. Your call is confidential. Coming from someone that has felt pain that seemed unbearable I can say with certainty that it helps to talk to someone, anyone who is willing to listen. If you prefer, they have a chat line you can use instead of making a phone call. To learn more visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline page at:  http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. This site is not just for those that may be feeling suicidal but for ANYONE  who is struggling and needs to talk.

If you are a runner and want to participate in a virtual run to show support for Boston please follow this link:  http://www.runjunkees.com/

Good Luck to all those running the Boston Marathon on 4/21/14. The world will be watching and cheering!

Depression Lies....

Depression is a condition that lies to us about ourselves in an effort to sustain its own existence. It generally can be defeated and most often does pass.

I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD earlier this year. I don't know about you but I have my share of good days and bad. I seem to be having more bad days than good these days. I still struggle with nightmares from my fire last year which prevents me from sleeping some nights even though I know the likelihood of another fire is remote (Yeah I have to convince myself of that since I experienced 2 fires within 10 days of each other last year. Surely I won't experience a 3rd!). Like many of you who are reading this blog, I have personal issues which makes life a challenge at times. I don't want to air my dirty laundry here so I won't go in to details but I will say on my bad days I really struggle. When I'm struggling I either hide or I get on the internet and look for information to help get me through it. Admittedly, some days it's easier just to hide.  However, here is some information I found on the following blog that I found helpful:  http://www.thechangeblog.com/depression-lies/.

When depression hits, it hijacks your thoughts and feelings. It whispers seductive lies into your ears; lies that gradually start sounding like the truth. I know how that feels, because I struggle with it too. If on the other hand, you knew the lies depression commonly uses, then you can ignore or replace them with your own inner truth. And every time you do that, you have healed a little bit. So, here are some common ‘depression deceptions’ to watch out for:

1. It’s a chemical condition. So I can’t really do anything about it right? Wrong.

Yes your brain is made up of electrical impulses and chemical substances that change a million times in a day and make up your thoughts and/or emotions. And yes, often times, severe clinical depression requires medications. In fact, they can be essential and life saving in some situations. But, and listen to this very closely, even when they work well, medications alone don’t keep you from getting depressed again. What they do, is give you enough relief to then work on your self, and change the things in your mind and life, so that hopefully, you don’t feel that depressed again.

In fact, some forms of therapy, such as Mindfulness based cognitive therapy, has been shown to be even better than medications at lowering the risk of relapse (as long as you’ve gotten over the worst hump). The human mind is very powerful but much of it is amenable to change. It’s a tough process, but so worth the effort.

2. Anyone with my childhood/job/marriage/health/finances would be depressed!

Each of us lives in our own heads and so we only can feel our own pain. Yes we can empathize with others, but we can't fully feel anyone else's joy or pain as intimately as we can feel our own. This can lead us to feel trapped by the pain of our own life circumstances.

I used to feel this way as well. My depression would tell me “Your mom committed suicide and your dad is a narcissist. It’s not possible for you to ever be happy”. The worst part was, I believed it for a long time.

Since then, I have been fortunate to feel my own strengths, to learn about the brain, to read books and meet amazing people who have overcome great odds, proving to me over and over again that the human spirit is greater than the sum of past events.

You have great inner strength and wisdom within you. Whatever may have happened in your past is only one part of you. Don’t let it dictate your whole life.

3. I’ve tried everything. Nothing works for me.

Do you feel like you have tried every single thing to help yourself? And nothing is working? If that’s the case, maybe you’re trying too hard. Sometimes chasing happiness makes it more…..elusive, like a butterfly that will only come and softly sit on your shoulder when you can simply be in it’s presence without chasing it.

Try just surrounding yourself with people who seem genuinely happy. Not the Polly Anna kind of superficial happy. But the folks that exude a sense of deep contentment and peace from within. Don’t compare or force happiness to come to you. Just be in its presence.

4. I’ll be happier once I lose weight/get a raise/buy a home…

I wasted lots of my time in my 20’s hoping that if I just worked desperately toward achieving this or that, I would live happily ever after. Well, I did achieve most of those things, and it did make me feel excited briefly, but soon I had gone back to my usual state of mind. Feeling confused, I would replace it with another “goal” and chase after that, hoping that this time, the happiness would be deeper and long lasting.

And one day I was explaining this theory to a close friend, and she said simply “What’s wrong with now? Why not just be happy now?”

It blew me away. Because she wasn’t telling me to not reach for my goals, but rather that I was missing out on the possibility of NOW.

This very moment is alive with possibility. Whenever you begin to worry about the future or connect your happiness to some elusive goal, take a moment to bring your awareness back to this moment. Use your senses to really see, hear, smell and touch your immediate surroundings. And think of one thing you are grateful for today. Maybe it’s your morning cup of coffee, the hug your son gave you or that your friend called to share a joke. Whatever it is, if you truly loved it, spend a few moments being genuinely thankful that you had that TODAY.

5. I’ve screwed up a lot. I hate myself. I’m not worthy of happiness.

This is a tough one, because when we don’t love ourselves, that’s where the work must start. No foundation, no building.

Whatever you may have done in the past, it’s gone. That moment can never come back.
However, every new breath you take now is a new chance at life.  It’s totally fresh and alive for you to shape as you like. And if this one doesn’t do it, that’s fine, your next breath is again a fresh possibility. And the next. And the next.

Until you take your last breath, you have millions of moments to start over and become the person you want to be. It’s up to you what you do with each one.

6. Most of my life is okay, except for that one ‘X’ thing

I once read a story that goes something like this.

A professor puts up a big white board with a black dot on it, and then asks his students to describe what they see.

Most of them come close to scrutinize the board and blurt out the answer excitedly “The black dot! There is a black dot on it!”

Finally, the professor says “It’s interesting that most of you didn’t notice the whole white board in front of you, but rather chose to focus on that one small black dot”

This is what happens when we focus solely on the negative things. I’m not saying your difficulties are just dot sized. Not at all. All I’m saying is: Don’t forget to enjoy the beautiful expanse of white in your life. Because it’s there.

Psychiatrist Kavetha Sundaramoorthy is the author of the above blog material. Again that blog address is http://www.thechangeblog.com/depression-lies/. Good resource to check out!

I don't know about those of you reading this blog but I have believed probably all 6 lies at one time or another. I have to constantly remind myself that they are lies. Life isn't easy but each day presents a new experience, a new opportunity. It's hard some days to not focus on the past or the negative. I am glad to be able to find resources on the internet that remind me to be positive and live each day to the fullest. It's not easy especially when you are stuck in a state of depression. I am not alone though and that is what helps me keep moving.

Here are some other resources about depression and people who are coping with it daily that I have found useful:

http://wilwheaton.net/2012/09/depression-lies/
http://thebloggess.com/2012/04/depression-lies/

For those dealing with serious depression or other mental disorder, suicide may be a concern. About one in four adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. That means if you think about your 10 favorite people in the whole world two of them could be at risk of suicide. That’s why it’s so important to recognize the warning signs and to know how to get help for yourself or others. If you or someone you know is thinking of suicide call 800-273-TALK, or click here for resources. The National Suicide
Prevention Lifeline also offers a chat. You can sign in as an anonymous guest. These hotlines are crisis hotlines so you don't necessarily need to be suicidal to call. If you are in crisis and just need to talk to someone it is a useful resource. I know, I have utilized it to talk through a crisis. I am not one to ask for help but sometimes we all need a little help. These hotlines are confidential so if you are struggling but don't feel like you can reach out to a friend or family member please contact the hotline via either phone, chat or email. Sometimes just talking can help get you through a critical moment.

I'll end today's blog with this poem I ran across while doing a search about depression. I think it sums up depression pretty good:

Depleted, defeated,
Unloved and mistreated-
Depression distorts vision
Through glasses that
Alter what we see and think
And are certainly not
Rose colored or pink. Dark, stark
And off our own mark-
It drives us to our beds
(Maybe see about some meds?)
The shadows will pass
Like flatulent gas.

Depression lies-
And darkens our skies.
Whispering our secret doubts
About ourselves
Pulling old shames down
From the shelves.
It tells us that
Tomorrow
Will never come.
That we do not deserve
To be a whole one.

Through the tears
And beyond the fears-
We must all realize
That depression lies.

~David A. Reinstein, LCSW

Volunteering at RTP and ARC

I volunteered at the Rock the Parkway Half-marathon this weekend. I haven't been running much and therefor wasn't in shape to run it even if I wanted to. I hope to become more consistent with my running soon. Until then I thought it would be good to give back to the sport that has given me so much.

I was a course monitor which basically means I assisted KCPD with keeping traffic off the course so the runners are able to run a safe traffic-free race. I was assigned the intersection at 63rd Terrace and Ward Parkway. Wow was there a lot of traffic! It became quite a challenge. Many people were trying to either turn south on to ward parkway or cut across, neither of which we could allow them to do once the runners got close to the area. I used my car to block the intersection but even that wasn't enough. One older gentleman tried to bump me with his car because I told him he needed to turn around. The KCPD officer assigned to work the same area came over and positioned his car so that between my car and his nobody could get through. He apologized for not doing that sooner and made sure I knew to holler if I needed help with any upset drivers. We had a few more people yell at us after that but for the most part people cooperated and turned around as directed. And of course it's always nice to hear "Thank You" from all the runners. Overall it was an experience I had hoped for. I'm sure I will volunteer at some more races this year.

I have been to a few fire calls for the Red Cross this past week as well. I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD because of the trauma of going through 2 fires in a 2 week period last year. My psychiatrist suggested that maybe I shouldn't volunteer with the Red Cross because of my recurring nightmares. I told him that I believe the benefit of helping those affected by a fire or other disaster outweighs the fear I feel from my experience with fire. I do now take a low dose antidepressant to help with the PTSD and feel like it is helping. My hope is to pursue a career in Emergency Management or related field and don't plan on giving up my volunteer activities anytime soon. Volunteering has been such a blessing for me and I look forward to the future opportunities it presents!

New Year, New Resolutions?

I don't know about you but I don't make new years resolutions. They simply don't work. Your intentions may be good but by Feb you have already failed and say "oh well, I'll do it NEXT year." Why set yourself up for failure year after year? Instead...set goals - measurable and attainable goals.

I have 2 goals that I want to accomplish this year...increase my volunteer hours (200+) and run the Marine Corps Marathon. What will happen if I attain these 2 goals? I'll lose weight, feel better physically, feel better mentally, make better choices.... etc. That sounds better than making resolutions that I won't keep!

 

2012 was by far the most difficult year of my life. I experienced more stress than I could imagine possible and I didn't respond well to it. I'm human and I made some silly mistakes because my emotions got to me. I am currently seeing a therapist. It's actually not by choice but it's something I have to do so I am sucking it up and going. Doc thinks I have PTSD and am depressed. Two fires in a two week period (Feb 23 & Mar 6) and a major change at work will do that to you I guess. The therapist is helping me think positive about things. That brings me back to my goals. I never feel better about myself than when I am volunteering or running. Volunteering gives me the opportunity to help others, running gives me the opportunity to help myself. So, I guess you could say I have a third goal - to try to see the positive in life and do positive things. I know if I volunteer and run I will find the positive in life.

I will be attending another citizens academy soon. It's a city agency this time. Want to see what's different between police officers and sheriff deputies. Looking forward to it! Not sure I will blog about it though. It was a lot of work blogging about the JCSO citizens academy. I think I want to just sit back and experience this one. Who knows though, maybe I'll change my mind once the academy starts. That brings me back to volunteering. As with JCSO, volunteer opportunities will be discussed during this citizens academy. I see many opportunities to increase my volunteer hours this year. I can't wait to explore those opportunities and of course blog about them! Happy New Year! Set some goals and make 2013 your best year yet!

Suicide in Law Enforcement... What can be done to prevent it?

There has been a silent statistic within the law enforcement profession that has been unspoken for years. A line that is drawn deeply and permanently between two deaths. One, whom we call a hero when dying in the line of duty. The other, a mere whisper that an officer has died. That growing statistic is law enforcement suicide. 

Suicide is not a popular topic in the law enforcement culture. Quite frankly, it's not a popular topic period. The goal of this blog entry is to focus on suicide in law enforcement because one suicide is one suicide too many.

For several years, the popular numbers given for annual police suicides were catastrophic - 300, 400, 500 and even higher. The numbers were so high it was believed nothing could be done. “Every 17 to 21 hours,” cried one source, “a police officer takes his or her own life!”   (This equalled as many as 515 officers per year!)   The studies vary widely and often times add more confusion than clarity.  One thing that the studies seem to agree on is that over the past several years, the suicide rate among law enforcement officers has been shown to equal or surpass the rate of officer's who died in the line of duty.  I think everyone can agree that one suicide is one too many.  Rather than argue about statistics, let's focus on what can be done to prevent suicide.
 
There is no easy or full proof way to identify which officers are most at risk for taking their own life. Every officer has his or her breaking point. The stresses of daily life, coupled with stresses from tragic/critical events, can push a police officer to end his/her life. Recognizing the signs and symptoms of stress and depression before an officer reaches that breaking point is essential.
 

The top predictors for suicide for anyone are:  a diagnostic mental disorder, alcohol or substance use, loss of social or family support, and the availability and access to a firearm. 60% of the general public and 90% of officers commit suicide using a gun. Additionally, about 90% of the time, an officer is drinking heavily when he/she kills himself/herself.

 

While officers generally operate well under stress, too much stress may have disastrous outcomes.

As we learn more through research and study it becomes obvious that suicide is merely “the tip of the iceberg” in comparison to the more important issue of mental health in law enforcement. 

 

It may well prove impossible to develop a program that can identify and prevent 150 suicides in a force of almost a million police officers. It is clear, however, that when efforts are focused on mental health, instead of the narrower “suicide prevention,” there can be benefits that include not only suicide prevention, but fewer:
 

• Officer deaths from shootings and accident
• Lawsuits
• Complaints
• Sick leave
• Alcoholism
• Substance abuse
• Criminal/other behaviors
• On and off-job injuries
• Divorces
• Grievances
• Resignations
• Morale problems, and much more.

Many obstacles may prevent an officer from seeking professional help for his or her depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts. There are concerns that if they tell their chain of command their careers will be ruined, they will be determined not fit for duty, their gun will be confiscated, they will be viewed as weak and all hopes of advancement will be destroyed. They may fear being terminated. There is always a fear of confidentiality. The officer worries about the reactions, including further alienation and retribution from peers. The stigma of mental illness remains rampant among many law enforcement officers. The idea of needing help implies cowardice and/or an inability to fulfill the role of an officer. Officers with a history of depression or anxiety are identified as the weak-link, the officer who folds under pressure. So the officer tries to solve his or her problems personally and quietly, often with disastrous results.

Virtually all suicides are preventable with appropriate intervention. Departments can help reduce the risk of one of their own taking his or her life.   Suicide awareness training for officers and command focusing on identification of at risk officers, prevention programs and training are some of the ways to help reduce the risk of suicide among law enforcement officers.

Here are some policy suggestions to be implemented in Departments:

• Conduct psychological pre-employment screening of all law enforcement applicants.
• Assess individuals seeking high-risk/high-stress job assignments (undercover, special weapons team, homicide, etc.) for personality/job match and the ability to cope with the inherent stressors.
• Provide education to personnel and their family members regarding depression, suicide, stress management, and available employee assistance or counseling resources. This is particularly important because studies maintain that 80 percent of people who commit suicide have communicated their intent to commit the act.
• Conduct middle-management education on depression, signs and symptoms of suicide, and appropriate policy and procedures should an employee be identified as possibly suicidal.
• Make resources, including chaplains, peer support, 24-hour hot lines, and mental health personnel available to department personnel and their family members.
• When assisting the officer in finding treatment it is wise to consider utilizing an outside therapist. An outside therapist, not involved in the police departmental process, may seem more trustworthy to the officer. A department psychiatrist may have more knowledge of the officer and his or her current pressures. However, the department's clinician may also be involved in evaluating the officer's mental status in regards for fitness for duty.  The officer, psychiatrist, and department need clarification related to the officer's confidentiality and the chain of command prior to initiating therapy.
• Track individuals who meet specific at-risk criteria either because of life events (divorce, under investigation, for example) or because the individual shows significant signs and symptoms of distress (sudden drop in performance, increase in complaints, anger, negativity).
• Debrief after high-stress incidents.
• Debrief in the event that an officer succeeds in completing suicide. Officers are frequently referred to as brothers and sisters; survivors of the suicide of a family member are up to nine times more likely to commit suicide themselves in comparison with the average person.
• Provide retirement transition seminars and assistance to prepare individuals for the emotional and social changes that will occur.

The overall department goal should be to assist officers in finding treatment where his or her needs are best met. 

Need a resource for training or support services? Try the National P.O.L.I.C.E. Suicide Foundation.

Here are some other resources that might be helpful in developing department policy:

In Harm's Way Toolkit: Law Enforcement Suicide Prevention
QPR Institute ...Advanced Suicide Prevention Courses for EMS, Corrections, Law Enforcement
International Association of Chiefs of Police... has information about suicide and resources available.
The Police Chief has a section on suicide prevention with resources listed.


If you are an officer reading this, you may know a peer at risk. As an officer you are frequently called to check the welfare of a citizen, to possibly prevent a suicide. As a peer you must do the same for another officer. Be aware of signs that someone may be suicidal such as:

• Talking about suicide
• Making statements related to hopelessness or helplessness
• A preoccupation with death
• A loss of interest in things the officer once cared about
• Making detailed arrangements related to insurance and finances
• Giving away valued or prized possessions

Notice what is going on in his/her life.

• Is he/she recently separated or divorced, did he/she lose custody of a child?
• Has he/she been involved in a critical incident or under scrutiny by an internal affairs investigation?
• Is the officer pulling away from others, is job performance suffering?
• Is he/she having increased medical complaints, does he/she leave work or miss work frequently?
• Do you suspect he/she is abusing alcohol or other substances?
• Do you see a red flag or have a gut level concern?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, do something now!  Ask the officer what is going on in his or her life. Ask if they are okay and how they are handling a current stressor. Ask them if they feel depressed, and ask them about suicidal thoughts. Help them get the help they need before they take a life - their own. If they won't seek help on their own go to a trusted supervisor, the chaplain, your union representative or the department clinician with your concerns.  You are willing to go to any lengths for an officer who needs assistance on a call; do something today to prevent the loss of an officer by his or her own hands! 

***Update - While doing some further research and chatting with people I learned that one main emotion is often missing with the affected individual and that is happiness.  However, the last few days after the person has made a conscious decision to take their life, they feel peace and happiness. That is when everyone thinks they are fine and the crisis is over but in reality the end is near. If you notice someone exhibiting signs of suicide one day and uncharacteristically happy the next, take action!

 

If you are an officer who is hurting and contemplating suicide, reach out now!  There are many people who really do care about you, who really do want to help you, who don't want to attend your funeral.  Here is a list of Helpful Suicide Prevention Resources:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Helpguide.org

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Suicide Awareness Voice of Education (SAVE) 

National Institute of Mental Health

Suicide Prevention Resource Center

National Center for PTSD

Tears of a Cop (there are many resources listed here specific to law enforcement)

Badge of Life (another source specific to law enforcement and suicide prevention)

Seeking help is a sign of strength not of weakness. It is the first step in reestablishing control in your life. Always remember when there is life there is hope!

 

Why am I writing a blog entry about suicide in law enforcement? I am not a law enforcement officer. I have worked in the healthcare field for more than 20 years.  We may work in different career paths but helping others is what you and I are meant to do.  I have an "adopted" family which includes retired and current police officers.  I have many friends currently on the job in law enforcement, fire and ems.  If I can't be there to help them when they need help, I hope someone else can be.  I know they would be there for me if I needed their help!  And last but not least, I am posting this entry because a friend recently lost her husband (a deputy) to suicide.   Any suicide is one too many!

 

 

Any law enforcement suicide is one too many.